Raphtalia's Journal
by Gunzo
Summary: A retelling of The Rising of the Shield Hero from Raphtalia's point of view.


Raphtalia's Journal

**Preface**

Who is Raphtalia? In the show she is a one dimensional character. She follows Naofumi and fights. All she seems to want is a childish version of romantic love. Her past is a shallow tragedy and a source of easy melodrama. She is boring.

This is entertainment. All it has to do is be entertaining. The only sin it can commit is to be boring.

This journal is a retelling of The Rising of the Shield Hero from Raphtalia's point of view. Not the point of view of the shallow Stepford wife of the show. No, this is the journal of a abused girl. The journal of a girl that watched her parents die. A girl kidnapped before she could properly grieve. A girl that was tossed in a dungeon and routinely tortured. Only to be sold as a slave once she finally broke. Then bought by an asshole and forced to fight. A girl subjected to a convenient contrivance that aged her a decade a few weeks. This is the journal of a girl living through hell.

Honestly, this journal isn't much better than the show. It is written simply because Raphtalia has little, if any, formal education. I am not even convinced that she is literate. It is written childishly because she is only about twelve.

This journal's main redeeming value is in its brevity. It is only thirty entries long.

Dear Thalia, sweetest of muses, please look upon this folly with favor. It is a goof based on an anime that was based on a manga that was based on a light novel. It is a ludicrous take on a simple power fantasy. It takes the lightest form of entertainment seriously. Please, lend this pitiable fool a small measure of inspiration. If not for his own sake then for the sake of the audience. Let this be, at the very least, entertaining.

Entry One

I was good at screaming. It is hard to be good at screaming but I was. If you scream too soon you get beaten more. Hold out too long and you get beaten more. You can try not to scream but you will. The Lord will beat you until you do. He will whip you until you do. Everyone screams. Everyone.

The trick to scream at the right time. Go to the chains with a smile. Go with some resistance. Go with a stiff spine. It doesn't matter what you go with but don't go limp. Don't look at the ground. Don't whimper. Don't flop. Fight. Freeze up. Be friendly. Try to run. Don't let the Lord win before he starts. Don't let the Lord win before he gets to play. You have to play the game. If you don't you get beaten worse.

Entry Two

Sometimes I think the ones that laid down were right. I envied them. They went to a better place. They quit playing the game and went on. I wanted to follow them.

After smiling for so long, after screaming for so long, after trying to keep everyone playing the game for so long I broke. I quit playing. I laid down.

The Lord was so disappointed to see that I quit smiling. So disgusted. He saw that he won. That he won for good. That the game was over. Then I was nothing but meat. A scrap of skin and bone. A broken thing. I was useless.

I was done with the game. I was going to follow my friends. To go beyond. I wanted to see my mother and father again. I wanted to go home.

I wasn't so lucky. The Lord sold me.

Entry Three

The man who bought me always smiled. He smiled but his eyes never smiled. He looked at me and saw that I was done. That I am going beyond. He knew it and smiled. His eyes didn't smile. His eyes tallied. The added me up. They put a price on me. A pile of chitterlings priced to move. Then he looked away. He smiled at the others. He put his price on them too. The prime steaks and side meat. They got a good price. His eyes never smiled. He had people in to look at us. He put a price on his buyers.

He matched us to his buyers. Some were good sales. Some were bad sales. He talked to himself. We listened. He didn't notice. Maybe he didn't care. Listening didn't change our price. Listening didn't change anything. Some shouted at him. He didn't listen. I could have screamed. I didn't scream. I had a good scream. It wasn't the time to scream. It was time to lie down.

I got the shivers. I got a cough. Then he listened. Then he looked. He lowered my price. He said that he would have to sell me fast. That he needed to find a fool. He said a fool and his money were easy to part. He said a fool was born every day.

He found his fool.

I won't see mom and dad again.

Entry Four

I had a good scream. My new master didn't like my scream. If I scream he frowns. He doesn't like the same games that the Lord did. My scream is useless. But I know the game. He likes games. They all like games. I'm good at games. My scream was part of the Lord's game. I am good at the game.

I wanted to go beyond. I wanted to see mom and dad again. My new master didn't let me. I had to play the game. If I didn't play I got beaten. He didn't use his hand or a whip. He used magic. He uses the slave brand. If I ignore him he uses it to beat me. If I refuse him he uses it to beat me. I have to play the game again.

Why play? Why do I play? I wanted to go. I wanted to see mom and dad again. My new master pulled me to my feet and I played. Why? I didn't want to. I don't want to but I do it. It is like breathing. I can't control it. I didn't think. I just played along. I screamed but he frowned. I screamed and he beat me. I didn't flop. I didn't quit. Why? I didn't think. I just smiled again. Why?

My scream was part of the old Lord's game. My smile was part of the old Lord's game. It is a good smile. I keep smiling but I don't scream. I'm good at my new master's game.

Entry Five

My master is the Shield Hero. Iwatani Naofumi is the Shield Hero. He gave me something. It got rid of my cough. It got rid of the shivers. I wanted to refuse. It would have been bad to refuse. He would have beaten me. Then he would have given it to me again. I know the game. With the old Lord I would refuse once or twice. He would beat me less if I refused. With Naofumi I take it. He didn't beat me if I didn't fight back it.

I don't want to be beaten anymore. I want my mom and dad.

Entry Six

Naofumi bought me a ball. He saw me watching the other children. I wanted what they had. A home. A mom and dad. He thought I wanted their ball. He bought me a ball.

I play with the ball. He smiles when I play with the ball. He smiles when I laugh. It is his game.

I fight and I play. If I don't fight I get beat. If I don't play he frowns. I know I will get beat if he frowns too much. The Lord used to frown when he came to my cell. When I screamed right he smiled. When he smiled I got a hot dinner. That is the game. I make Neofumi smile. I get hot dinners. I don't get beat.

I want to see mom and dad again.

I don't know why I play the game. Was it beaten into me? Is it what I deserve?

Entry Seven

I hate fighting. I hate killing. I hate getting beat. I hate blood. I hate the shivers. I hate starving. I hate carrying bags.

We get what we deserve. My dad used to say that. He would smile at mom when he said it. Mom always smiled back. Is this what I deserve?

Do I deserve to see mom and dad again?

I am a broken thing. What do I deserve? Is fighting and pain and killing what a broken thing deserves?

Entry Eight

I was almost free today. Almost free. A three headed dog took my parents. Today, a two headed dog almost took Naofumi. All I had to do was take a beating. It had him. It had the Shield Hero cold. All I had to do was refuse. If I didn't kill it then Naofumi would die and I would be free. All I had to do was ignore his order and take the beating. Take the beating and let him die. Then I would have been free.

Why didn't I let him die? All I had to do was watch. Why did I kill that two headed dog? It wasn't the dog that killed my mom and dad. It wasn't revenge. Why did I kill it? To save the Shield Hero? To save my new master? To Save the man that beat me now? Why save him?

I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry dad. I'm sorry. I got scared. I was scared of the dog. I panicked. I'm so sorry. He stopped beating me. I could take the beating. I could. I swear I could take the beating. But he stopped beating me.

I had to face the dog. God help me I had to face the dog. I had to watch it coming. I could have gone over the cliff. Gone into the water but I was scared. Scared that I would survive the water. Scared of what the dog would do if it got me. If he kept beating me I would have never seen the dog coming. I'm sorry.

I couldn't face what you faced. I won't see you again. I couldn't face what you faced. Will I ever see you again? I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry dad.

Entry Nine

I'm being punished. I'm so sorry. I'm being punished. I should have been brave. I should be with you mom. I should be with you dad. I'm so sorry. Please. Please make it stop. Please. I'm sorry.

Entry Ten

I met a washer woman while I was washing clothes today. She said it was normal. She said that it happens to all women. That it happens once a month. She said it wasn't a punishment. She said it was normal. She showed me how to deal with it.

Entry Eleven

Everyone says that I am growing up. I grew a foot in the last week. They call me miss and they are nice to me. All because I grew a foot. I want to see mom and dad again. I want to be small.

The washer woman said I'm not being punished. She is wrong. I am being punished. I want to be small. I don't want to fight.

I have to keep Naofumi happy. I know I do. I know that it is his game. I have a good smile. It is better than my scream was. I smile and Neofumi is happy. He doesn't always smile but he is always happy.

The smiling man smiled and put a price on everything. The smiling man was never happy. Almost. He was happy when he made a good sale. Sometimes he was happy when he made a bad sale. He always smiled. He was never happy.

I smile and Naofumi is happy. I smile and I do what he says. I smile and I get hot meals. I smile and I don't get beat. I say nice things and Neofumi is happy. I smile and I say nice things. I smile and I say nice things and I fight and I don't get beat.

I want to be small again.

I can't be small again.

Entry Twelve

The wave of catastrophe came. Monsters came. The Heroes' magic took me to the monsters. I couldn't run. I couldn't hide. I had to fight. I'll always have to fight. I didn't want to fight. I will always have to fight. The magic will steal me away.

I wanted to lie down and die. I didn't want to kill. I killed so many. I killed monsters all day. I wanted to lie down and let the monsters kill me. I wanted the blood and death to end. I'm so tired. It was worse than a beating. I wanted to take the beating. Lie down, take the beating, and go to mom and dad.

Mom and dad wouldn't recognize me anymore. I don't recognize me in the mirror. I killed so many.

I fought all day. The town folk fought all day. They thanked me. They thanked me for all of the killing. They wanted to live. They wanted to go home.

I want to go home. My home is gone. Mom and dad wouldn't recognize me anymore. The town folk got to go home.

I wanted to be happy. I saw them go home and wanted to be happy for them. I was nothing. I was too tired. I killed too much. I'm not me. I'm too tall. They went home. I wanted to be happy for them. I want to go home too. Why didn't I feel anything? Don't I deserve to be happy?

I wasn't happy. I smiled but I wasn't happy. I smiled like the smiling man smiled. I smiled because Neofumi was looking. I killed and smiled. Don't I deserve to be happy too?

Another wave of catastrophe is coming. Is it what I deserve? Does everyone get what they deserve? My dad used to say that everyone got what they deserved. When he said it mom and dad would smile at each other. Was he right? Does everyone get what they deserve?

Entry Thirteen

They had a duel for my freedom. I was going to be free. I wanted to be free. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see my mom and dad. Neofumi lost and I was free.

My home is ash. Mom and dad are dead. They wouldn't recognize me anyway.

I was free.

It was useless.

The Spear Hero freed me. He fought the Shield Hero for my freedom. The Spear Hero won.

The Spear Hero looked at me wrong. The Shield Hero looked at me like a thing. A broken thing that he fixed. A thing that fought and killed. The Spear Hero looked at me wrong. He looked at me and grinned. He didn't look at my eyes or my face. He just looked and grinned. It scared me.

A princess was with the Spear Hero. She smiled. She was never happy but she smiled. She was like the smiling man. The smiling man looked at me and saw my price. The princess looked at me and saw shit. She hated me. When I met her eye she scowled. She wanted to hurt me. She was like the Lord. I didn't look at her again.

Some of the guards looked at me the way the princess did. Some of the guards looked at me the way the Spear Hero did. The king looked at me like I was nothing. He didn't see me. He looked through me. He was worse than the smiling man.

The crowd looked at me like the guards and the king. They looked at me like the Spear Hero and the princess. A week ago some would call me miss. They would give me sweet treats. They were nice. Now they aren't nice. I grew too tall. They would be nice if I was small. Now I'm too tall.

I was free and it was useless. How would I eat? Where would I sleep? Where would I go? I want to eat. I want a roof to sleep under. I don't want to be beat. I don't want to fight. I don't want the guards and the crowd to look at me with hate and lust.

We get what we deserve.

I'm sorry. I don't know what I did but I'm sorry. I know I deserve it. I'm sorry.

Entry Fourteen

I took the slave's brand again. I want to eat. I want a warm place to sleep. I can take the beating.

Naofumi looks at me differently. He smiles more.

I smile and kill. It is what I deserve.

Entry Fifteen

Naofumi bought a chocobo. It was cute. It grew up in two days.

On the third day it turned into a little blond girl. It happened in the middle of the night. She is still cute.

Entry Sixteen

Naofumi enslaved the little blond chocobo girl. We get what we deserve. Did the child deserve to be enslaved?

Maybe it's fate. It has to be, right? Why did the little blond chocobo girl deserve to be enslaved? Was she bad in a past life?

Entry Seventeen

We got the chocobo girl a nice dress. Should I get a nice dress? The knee high boots, petticoat, and dress ensemble that I wear is Neofumi's choice. Maybe some pants would be practical. Then a nice sundress for wearing around town. Then maybe an armored vest and helmet for fighting.

Entry Eighteen

We killed a tree today. Every day I feel less. I felt nothing for the tree. How long until I feel nothing for anything? Do I want to be like that? Do I want to be heartless? Maybe it is my fate. Maybe it is why I deserve to be a slave.

Entry Nineteen

We fought a zombie dragon today. Naofumi thinks the Sword Hero is an idiot. The Sword Hero killed the dragon. He thinks the Sword Hero is responsible for it turning into a zombie dragon because he killed it. I think if the Sword Hero knew that the dragon became a zombie dragon he would kill it again. I don't think that the Sword Hero wanted to make a zombie dragon.

Our chocobo girl killed the zombie dragon. She is lucky the dragon swallowed her whole. Kind of like a snake. Snakes kill before they eat things whole, right? Does that make the zombie dragon dumber than a snake? Our chocobo girl got eaten whole then clawed her way out of the zombie dragon's stomach. Does that happen to snakes?

Naofumi got a new shield. It works by beating me. It is my fate. He fought the zombie dragon with his new shield. I took the beating as long as I could. It is what I deserve. I was lucky that the chocobo girl killed the zombie dragon.

The chocobo girl's name is Filo. She is my friend.

Entry Twenty

I met a nobleman's daughter today. Her guards had lost her. She made friends with Filo.

The nobleman's daughter is actually a little princess. She is the heir to the throne. Her guards are bad at their job. She should get better guards.

Entry Twenty one

Some town guards wanted to join us for the next wave. Naofumi sent them to scrounge up money for new armor. He was petty and cruel about it. He didn't tell them why they should get the money.

He has more than enough money to buy them new armor. I don't know what he is saving it for. If he bought them new armor he could have spent time helping them. They could have gotten much stronger.

I don't think Naofumi likes the town guards. I think he wants to beat them. I don't know why. They have not done him any wrong.

I think Naofumi wants to beat the little princess too. She hasn't done him any wrong either.

Entry Twenty two

I am his sword. When I say it Naofumi is happy. Sometimes he smiles. Sometimes he doesn't smile. He is always happy to hear it. I am his sword. His loyal slave. His thing. A weapon. I kill for him. It makes him happy.

It is my fate. It is what I deserve.

We fought off another wave of catastrophe.

_Writer__'s Entry_

A rage shield? Really? Fuck off you clearance bin Guts.

And quit yelling the melodramatic name of every little attack. This isn't JoJo.

The wave was beaten by a timer? Where did this timer come from? Why is a timer here at all? This is a bullshit Deus ex Machina. You hack.

There is not a lot to work with in the second season. It would behoove you to stop reading here. Raphtalia's character arc got wrapped up with Journal Entry Fourteen. Which was episode four in the show.

Christ, episode four was a cringefest.

Entry Twenty three

I told Naofumi about the Three Heroes Church. How did I know about that? What is going on? I swear that the first time I heard about the church was when the words came out of my mouth.

We are stuck with the little princess. Her guards kind of tried to assassinate her. They tried when she was right next to the Shield Hero. It was stupid. They even recorded it.

The recording was edited to frame us for kidnapping the little princess.

I wonder why they didn't simply assassinate the little princess? It would have been easy to do. She is a child.

What does framing us for kidnapping get them? It doesn't make sense.

Entry Twenty four

The other princess attacked us. The Spear, Bow, and Sword Heroes were with her. In the fight she tried to kill her sister. She told the Sword Hero plainly that she was trying to kill the little princess. Is she retarded? It doesn't make any sense.

Why didn't I cut that bitch's neck? I got behind her. Naofumi wants her dead. She was trying to kill me. She was trying to kill Filo and Neofumi. Why did I try to stab her with a sword hilt? I kill and I kill and I kill so why didn't I kill her?

Did Neofumi want her to survive? Do I want her to survive? Why? It makes no sense. What is going on?

Entry Twenty five

The Queen has ninjas. They told Naofumi to go see the Queen. The Queen can clear us of the kidnapping accusation.

The little princess told us that the Queen is more powerful than the King or the retarded princess. If we see her it should be easy to beat the kidnapping charge. The little princess will testify that we were protecting her. The retarded princess has already publicly attempted to kill the little princess. Heck, the Queen's ninjas might have witnessed the whole thing. They might even be able to get a copy of the original recording.

Entry Twenty six

I saw the Lord Idol today. He tortured me. I wanted to kill him. I could have killed him. I could have killed his guards. With Neofumi's support it would have been easy.

Naofumi restrained me. I am his sword. I did as I was told.

Later that day we attacked my torturer's castle. I killed his guards. I should have done it sooner.

I had the fat bastard at my mercy. He begged for his life. Naofumi told me to stop. He didn't want me to kill him. Why not? Lord Idol is more of a monster than the monsters I kill daily. I am Naofumi's sword. I did as I was told.

Idol attacked me. He disarmed me. I stabbed him with my useless sword hilt. He fell out a window. We assumed that he died.

When I think about what happened it doesn't make sense. Why would Naofumi care about Lord Idol's life? He deserved to die. I deserved to get revenge. Why did Naofumi stop me? Why did I try to stab Lord Idol with a useless sword hilt. Why do I keep doing that? The memory of that fight feels like a fever dream.

Entry Twenty seven

I freed everyone from the dungeon. Some of them were friends. Some didn't make it. We all get what we deserve.

It all feels like a fever dream. I was tortured for months, right? I would have sworn it was months. It snowed when I was taken to the smiling man. Yet it all happened between the first and second wave. It had to have been days. Maybe a week or two. Why did it snow?

Why did they leave Rifana's corpse in her cell? Why only her? She wasn't the only person to die down there.

It makes no sense. It feels like the world is warped. Like it is changing at the whim of an idiot god. I think I am going insane.

Entry Twenty eight

Lord Idol survived the fall. He summoned Godzilla.

We tried to fight Godzilla. We lured it out of town and tried to fight it. We didn't have to try for long.

A giant chocobo came out of nowhere. It killed Godzilla. Then it turned into a cute little girl.

My life is a mad nightmare. The mad dreaming of an idiot god.

Entry Twenty nine

The giant chocobo is a chocobo queen. She slapped Filo around for a bit. Then she appointed Filo as her heir. Filo will be queen of the chocobos someday.

Why do big birds have royalty? Why does the bird royalty look like little girls?

Naofumi acts like everything is normal. Am I the only one that sees that this is insane?

Entry Thirty

The pope attacked us. He had a legendary weapon. It is all of the Heroes' weapons in one. It was very strong.

In the middle of the fight Naofumi told the other heroes off. He ignored the pope. He ignored the legendary weapon and let the pope charge up an attack. The other heroes wanted Naofumi to work with them. They wanted to fight the pope together. Neofumi told them off in the middle of the fight. It was stupid and petty.

After Naofumi told the other heroes off he decided to work with them. The other heroes went with it. It was nonsense.

My life has become crazy. Nothing makes sense. I think I am insane.

My life revolves around Naofumi. I am his sword. I am his toy. I do what he tells me. I take my beatings with a smile.

The world revolves around Naofumi. It is his plaything.

Why does he want everyone to be mean to him? Is it so he can tell them off? So he can be better than them?

How can Naofumi be better than anyone? He owns me. I am his slave. He is an asshole to everyone. He is petty and cruel. I take a beating so he can use his best shield. I have to be beaten for his black shield to work. Is that what makes him better?

This is Naofumi's dream. He is the idiot god. I have to keep smiling. I have to keep telling him that he is the best. I have to take my beatings. I don't have a choice. What I deserve has nothing to do with anything. We are the playthings of an idiot god. Playthings of a petty, cruel idiot.


End file.
